You Can't Keep it Under Your Hat

Well at least I can't. Quite a few people have told me how good they think it is, and how proud of me they are, that I'm being open about having cancer. That they thought it was good I wasn't keeping it to myself. I hadn't ever thought about the potential of keeping it a secret, I can't imagine that I could.

My family had to know, even the ones I don't live with, so they understood why I was behaving in such a strange way, why everything had gone weird and why I was being a utter nightmare to live with at times. My old mates needed to know, because even though we don't spend time together nearly as often as we should, I knew that they'd be there for me, that they'd come round, drink beer, eat food, talk nonsense and be normal. The school needed to know because what if Amelie's behaviour in class was a bit strange. I had to explain that that was because Mom was at home being even stranger. And that with Amelie spending her days with her fellow classful of germ-filled 5 and 6 year olds, I needed a heads-up when one of them goes down with chicken pox or other lurgy because my immune system can't take it. The moms at the school gate needed to know because over that first year of school not only had the kids become close friends, but we had too. I showed them my scars whether they wanted to see them or not. That operation was, and felt, like a brutal thing to do to my body, but I got through it and I'm proud of my battle wounds. My mom friends seem to have an uncanny skill for knowing when I need to be asked if I'm ok, and when we don't need to talk about it at all. I like the normality of whingeing about nothing more than us being asked, again, to whip up some elaborate fancy dress costume at a moment's notice and deciding who's getting the short straw of dashing up to Primark to buy cheap t-shirts for magician-like transformation into whatever it is this week.

I needed you to know my friends, even though I may never have met you. You've perhaps been a student, a subscriber to DMTV, a quiet follower on social media, bought a book, even a piece of work. Any and all of that has enabled me to lead this crazy life of an artist and for that support I am grateful, because let's face it, I could never hold down a 9-5 job.

I felt everyone's shock when I told them the news, like my heart was being ripped out. I didn't want them to have to face the sadness of this. I didn't want it for me, and I didn't want it to be happening for them either. Saying it out loud made it real, like this was actually happening, it let The Nasty out of its box. But now you all know, I feel the warmth of your support, kindness and love. I know you've got my back and that whatever happens, that in some crazy way we were in this together.

So no, I won't be keeping it under my hat. I think I'll blog about it as we go. Even if it's just something to do at 3am in the morning when I've not yet been to sleep because I'm on a nice big whack of steroids and am wide awake and in need of something to do. Ah, side effects...let's save those for another post.

I'll blog because having this cancer, while it's scary, and horrible, and gruelling, and traumatic, it's also pretty normal. Let's not get depressing but they say now about half the population will get some sort of cancer at some point. I'm lucky, I've got you and I'm not on my own. I have someone to help wrap my arm in cling film to keep the PICC line dry in the shower. I've got someone to take me to my appointments, peg out the washing when I frankly can't be bothered, and make me a cheese and ham toastie when that's all I fancy day after day. I've got all these lovely people but yes, I still feel like it's my own battle that I fight alone. And I know that if, and I hope that this never happens, but if you ever have to hear those words, then you might feel lonely too. But please know, I've got your back.

Love and light,
Laura
xx

Follow my Ruby Star Quilt Project on the Just Giving page.

Comments

  1. Proud of you. {{{HUG}}} xx

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  2. Although we've not met face to face, I can actually say I love you and Linda. You are an inspiration in SO many ways. Be well my friend.

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  3. Wishing you all the very best.

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  4. What a wonderful post! You're handling this in exactly the right way: the way that works for you. Kudos and blessings.

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  5. Fabulous post. I think you need to do what works best for you. I think I would find it hard to keep a secret too. Xx

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  8. Thank you, thank you for your words!
    I remember those sleepless nights when I was on Cortison for two months... I'm not sure, but I think lemon balm tea helped me a lot to sleep better 😴😴💖💖💖

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  9. What a beautiful post. What you will not realize now (if ever), your words will help someone going through the same journey now or in the future. Although we have never met, you and your family are like dear friends. On days I feel like I'll never be creative again, all I need to do is watch a video, grab one of your books, and fall into a world of creative goodness. Be well, happy, and embrace those days where everyone but you doesn't have a brain. Hugs.

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  10. I like so many of your friends (and thanks for calling us that) wait with baited breath for updates on how you are doing. I’m sure I’m not along in thinking how brave you are, you have turned a negative into a positive with your fundraising and raising awareness. I hope everyone who suffers from a terrible illness has someone like you to turn to. Keep up the good fight, we are all routing for you xx

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  11. Very moving and uplifting words, Laura. I'm one of the supporters who watched all your inspiring videos on DMTV and follow along quietly in the background. Cancer is such a terrifying disease and by speaking out openly and honestly you're bringing it out into the light where it becomes no less serious but just a tiny bit less of a tyrant. We all dread hearing those words and so far I never have for myself but I hope if I ever have to face it I will have some of your strength and positive vision. Keep stitching and working through the tough days.

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  12. Laura , you truly are a warrior princess, we have your back and it's great to know you have ours. I hope if I have to face cancer one day I will be as positive as you are , keep up with your fabulous art and stitching.xxxx❤️

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  13. You are amazing and I know we are strangers to each other, but I often think of you and hope you are continuing to cope with this horrid thing that has happened to you. Much love to you and your family, and keep up the good work!xx

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  14. After reading your post I feel admiration. I have felt so sad for you and yours since learning of your plight. You probably aren't feeling brave or very strong. After all your body is copping a beating. But you are courageous and thankful. Admiration . . . yep.

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  15. I actually feel very humble, reading your blog, how you are facing this hard journey, so please know that at 3 am when you cannot sleep, when you feel most alone, we are there for you, holding you in prayer and love, and hoping that when you see the dawn, you will find hope. Thanks for being real, Laura, it helps some of us to be real when our health lets us down. Love to all your family, and thank God for friends who make us meals when we do not feel like cooking !

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  16. Gods I'm so astounded and inspired by your bravery. Every single one of us moms won't dare utter the unspeakable terror we most assuredly acknowledge on some level and here you are! Boldly, bravely carrying on; letting us in and letting those around you help you and care for you.
    Your art is just to wonderful and innovative. I'm so happy that you feel well enough find some measure of solace there.

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  17. Bless you and your family, Laura! You are an inspiration both in this and in your artistic life. Look after yourself, y'hear? Xx

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  18. You are a rare gem. Keep smiling because you are loved by many. xo Madeline

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  19. Wonderful words, Laura and honest ones. Too often we shy away of relating how it really is because we want to save others pain or because of a fear of appearing weak. How I hate the British phrase “ bearing up”, with its connotations of stiff upper lip and not letting the side down. Keep telling it how it is and know there are friends here to listen, empathise and help. I feel honoured to be called one.

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  20. Other people have said this better than I can but even though we haven’t met I feel like you and Linda are friends. I think about you often and this came to me at work and I was in tears as I read it. But not just sad tears, also tears of support and love and tears for how you are confronting this in the best way for you. Getting things off your chest, it’s an old saying but it’s true and it helps you and is uplifting for others. Always happy to listen when you need to reach out. Sending lots of love x

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